Because it's Olympics time in Nagano, Japan, let's talk about some
ways to improve the Olympics, at least for the benefit of the home
audience.

1. Get rid of the drug testing. The motto of the Olympics is "faster,
higher, stronger," right? Well then, let the athletes take all the
drugs they want. It might improve the "faster" and "stronger"
aspects of the Games. It would definitely make the athletes
"higher."

2. Introduce "war" as an Olympic event. This isn't new.
The whole track and field competition is a celebration of
warfighting skills from the Pelopponesian (sp?) War. Running,
jumping, throwing heavy things long distances, boxing--all 
warfighting skills. This is the dawn of the 21st Century, and we
don't fight wars that way anymore.
     And war is a popular thing to watch on TV. People love war,
especially when they themselves are not in it. Some of CNN's
highest ratings ever were from Desert Storm. Thousands of
movies have been made about war. People pay big bucks to
go to paintball ranges and pretend to be in wars. Look in 
your local toy store--huge amounts of war toys. So the
time is right for war to become an Olympic event.
     Hold your flames. I'm not suggesting that we launch an
actual war during the Olympics, though it would be great 
for ratings. I am suggesting that we add a handful of new
competitive events. People would love to watch these
dynamic new competitions:
     The Infantry Squad Assault: A bunker or other fortified
area would be constructed and manned by grunts from the
US Army's National Training Center. In turn, competitors
armed with Multiple Integrated Laser Engagement System
(MILES) equipment on their rifles would assault the 
bunker for twenty minutes. Whoever does the best wins.
     The Artillery Barrage: On the host country's best field
artillery range, the whole field artillery chain from forward
observer through fire direction center down to a battery
of whatever size gun the country wants to bring, and there
could be different categories for 105/122mm, 152/155mm,
and 203mm/8-inch guns, acquires and engages a target.
Scoring is based on speed, accuracy and the number of
rounds used to decimate the target. Less is better.
     The Aerial Bombardment: Using any kind of plane you
want, drop a 500-pound bomb on a target. Closest to the
center wins.
     Parachuting: Three kinds of events. First is the Golden
Knights-style competition parachuting, scored as with all
international parachute competitions. Second is mass
troop insertions, where speed of insertion, fewest number
of passes over the drop zone, fewest number of personnel
landing in trees and water--drop zones aren't any fun
without trees and water--and fewest casualties win. Third
is equipment drops, where the unit has to drop a case of
field rations without a parachute, a jeep with a cargo
chute and a howitzer by low-altitute parachute extraction.
Accuracy and damage will be scored.
     We could also add a terrorism event, but since most of
the people who do this are currently wanted by the
authorities, I would think the number of entrants in this
event would be pretty damned low.

3. Get rid of pansy foo-foo sports like curling. What's 
next? Channel surfing? Pocket billiards? Poker? If you
don't have to break a sweat to do it, it isn't an Olympic
sport.

4. Add "thoroughbred racing" to the equestrian events.
Let's add parimutuel wagering to the Olympics and see
just how exciting this stuff gets.

5. We of course must also add stock car racing to the
Summer Olympics, if for no other reason than the thrill
of watching some genteel French-born Formula 1
driver's reaction when he's got the front bumper of
Dale Earnhardt's car sitting three inches from his
back bumper going into a turn somewhere. In-car
cameras mandatory.

6. In the spirit of allowing professional basketball
players, then professional hockey players, to compete
in the Olympics, let's start allowing professional
wrestlers into the Games. No further comment
is necessary on this one.

7. Add a machinegun event to the marksmanship
competitions. 

8. Also add one to the track and field competitions.
In this case, the athlete wouldn't have to fire the
machinegun, but he would have to carry it on a
very long run. The bigger he is, the bigger the
machinegun he'd have to carry. 

9. And an event like the Four Days at Nijmegen.
This is a 160km (100 miles) road march spread over
four days. Not much excitement here for the 
television cameras but a true test of endurance.